life coach

Moving beyond the New Year, New You culture

You may be starting to feel the strain of the ‘New Year, New You’ nonsense that is flying around at the moment. It seems that every time we turn on the TV, log onto Facebook or walk down the street, we are hit with ways in which we need to change ourselves to become better, worthier or more attractive.

Influencers of all stripes tell us that in order to make 2019 the best year ever, we need to make drastic changes and embrace diets, gym membership and the like. It is as though when the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, we suddenly became broken somehow.

But I cannot recall anyone I know who has ever managed to turn their body-related New Year’s resolutions into lasting change. At some point, people always seem to ‘fall off the wagon’ and start the self-flagellation routine.

This is the second year that I have no intention whatsoever of changing my body in order to achieve the things I want to though. Instead of trying to use New Year’s resolutions to fix whatever is supposedly wrong with me, I have developed goals that I am keen to achieve.

These goals are things that, in the past, I would never have considered possible until I inhabited a thinner, more conventionally attractive body. But coaching has taught me that I am already good enough to work towards whatever it is I want to do.

A wonderful friend introduced me to ‘The Language of Letting Go’ by Melodie Beattie. In it, she shares a year’s worth of beautiful daily meditations that are aimed particularly at people who are experiencing co-dependent relationships.

New Year meditation

But regardless of whether you feel this situation applies to you or not, it should be possible to learn something from her work. This is part of her meditation for 1 January, and you might find it beneficial to take some time to reflect on the questions she raises:

“What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

“What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life? 

“Remember, we aren’t controlling others with our goals – we are trying to give direction to our life. 

“What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career? What would you like to see happen inside and around you?”

Once you have had a chance to reflect on some of these issues, ask yourself what it is you notice coming up for you? Is it the kinds of things you expected? Are they any different to previous years?

Being free to be me

When I personally undertook this exercise, I was struck by the absence of judgment that I placed on my body. Instead, I was able to genuinely think about what I wanted for myself, and my life, over the coming year.

I believe it is only when we can let go of the infectious expectation that we dislike our bodies that we are able to truly see what it is we would like to achieve. As women, we are taught from birth that our worth is inextricably linked to our physical form. Realising that this is not the case has been the most empowering thing I have ever done – and I would invite you to embark upon a quest to do the same.

To get started, here are some things you might like to try to survive the ‘New Year New You’ propaganda:

  • Have a social media clear-out: If you follow people who make you feel bad about yourself in any way, whether intentionally or unintentionally, get rid of them. Fill your newsfeeds with people and bodies of all kinds. It sounds simple but the more you expose yourself to the diversity of the human race, the more chance you have of resisting the ideals sold to us. For tips on some positive individuals you might like to follow, please visit my website;

  • Set healthy boundaries: If your workplace or social circle is full of diet talk, it is easy to get sucked in. Try telling people that you will not be dieting this year and you would appreciate them saving their weight-loss related conversations for someone else. If they are not able to respect this, you may wish to reconsider the time you spend with them, if at all possible;

  • Surround yourself with like-minded communities: People often find a sense of community at slimming clubs that they may not find elsewhere and, in some areas, there are few anti-diet alternatives. But it does not need to be the case if you create your own community. Whether it consists of a regular meet-up with other anti-diet friends, an anti-diet book club or an online group, they can all be invaluable in avoiding diet culture.

But whatever goals you decide to set for yourself this year, the most important thing to remember is that you deserve to achieve them – and that I believe in you.

If you’re local to Saffron Walden, Essex, why don’t you come along and check out The Body Liberation Collective. Our inaugural meeting will be taking place on Thursday 24th January 2019. For more details, visit Meetup.com

Transformational Coaching: Finding the answers within

There is a lot of confusion out there as to what transformational coaching is and what a coach actually does. While undergoing my training, for instance, some people thought I was working towards being a sports instructor (although anyone who knows me well will know that sport is really not my forte), while other others believed I was qualifying to be an agony aunt.

But seeing as life coaching only really started as a profession in the 1980s as a follow-on from sports and business coaching, this situation is perhaps unsurprising – despite the fact that since then, it has grown into a multi-million pound industry, with around 100,000 life coaches working worldwide.

That it is an unregulated profession also means there are lots of variations on how people practise. But, according to the Animas Centre for Coaching, which is where I undertook my training, the core aim is to enable “a person, group or team to move from where they are to where they want to be, through a process of exploration and action”.

Transformational coaching helps people to identify “where they are now, what the real challenges are that need to be faced, and what mental hurdles need to be overcome. Finally, it creates clear-sighted decisions, specific plans, and committed action. All of this is achieved through a process of focused questioning, objective feedback, and powerful techniques.”

But just to be clear about it, coaching is not counselling nor is it mentoring, therapy or consultancy. It is predominantly focused on the future and can, but is not necessarily always, goal-oriented, for example, helping an individual to achieve a promotion or increase their self-esteem.

Another important thing to note about this approach is that it is non-advisory – clients are helped to find their own answers that lie within, supported in a safe, non-judgmental space by their coach.

How it works

Some coaches specialise in particular fields like executive, youth or group coaching and sometimes focus on specific niche areas such as working with mothers who are keen to rediscover themselves after having children or people who want to change careers or transition from one life stage to the next. For others, it is the way they deliver their sessions that is unique – for example, one of my trainers does so in a VW camper van, while another coach I know takes his clients for walks in nature. In other words, there will always be someone somewhere to suit your needs.

Luckily if face-to-face meetings are not possible, many coaches also offer sessions over the telephone or via Skype. A block of six to 10 sessions is usually recommended as this period allows enough time for progress to be made. These sessions may take place weekly, fortnightly or even monthly, depending on what clients want to achieve or the timeframe in which they would like to achieve it.

During the session, clients will be asked to discuss the issue they would like to tackle and a process of exploration gets underway. A simple but highly effective tool here is reflecting back to people what it is they have said using their own words. This gives them time to process what they have said and often leads to deeper levels of realisation.

In my own experience, coaching can be an almost meditative process in which you are deeply connected to yourself in a way that simply is not usual in everyday life. Things frequently emerge that you were not expecting or had not thought previously thought about.

After such sessions, I am often blown away by the sheer amount of internal knowledge I have and the answers that lie within. Knowing that these ‘lightbulb moments’ are based on my own work is incredibly empowering and provides me with agency over the action I choose moving forward.

Each new session also offers the opportunity to check on the progress that has been made towards your chosen goal – or not as the case may be. Sometimes the goal may actually change several times during the course of the journey, but this flexibility to adapt to new realisations or experiences makes the coaching process exceptionally agile.

The right chemistry

To anyone curious to give it a try, I would say “go for it!” but always ensure you do some research beforehand to find the right coach for you. Most will offer a free ‘chemistry call’, in which you provide an overview of what you would like to focus on and the coach explains how they work.

As such, I would recommend speaking to a couple of people in order to get a feel for what they offer and what particular style might suit you. Some coaches may not possess any qualifications and, although they may be good at what they do, they might combine their practice with other areas such as mentoring, consultancy or whatever.

While this is not a problem in and of itself if it works for you, it is important for both parties to be clear about expectations in order to build the necessary rapport to enable the true magic of transformational coaching to work.

As to how I first got into coaching myself, I came across it when a fellow home-educating mum was looking for clients to practice on. At that stage, I had little idea myself what coaching was or what we would be doing, but I decided to give it a go and try something new anyway.

Little did I know that the experience would be a life-changing one – both as a client and as someone embarking on the journey of becoming a coach herself. I initially started small, talking to my coach about a new business I was in the middle of setting up. For various reasons, I was experiencing blocks. But within a single session, we had a breakthrough and I was able to come up with a plan for the way forward.

Seeing how effective coaching could be, I was intrigued to use the technique on other areas of my life, including family relationships, my own self-worth and an ongoing battle with disordered eating and body image. It was in this last area where change took place in more ways than I could have imagined – and I have never looked back since.